A MEDLEY OF ISSUES
Every month Fedsfedup tries to find various topics to moan about. I can go on forever on our politicians, Covid, the state of our country, etc. but I will spare you. So in this issue, I am going to select a few short thoughts I have regarding some recent experiences.
Golf– Many of my followers know that I am a work in process as a golfer, however I really do enjoy the challenge of the sport. And some of you who know a little bit about the game, and for those that do not, can find humor in what I am about to write about. There is no sport like golf that has the ability to lure you back to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again. You rarely get better, however, for some reason, you must keep playing to convince yourself that there might be a chance that you will improve. The addiction is really apparent when you are in the middle of the fairway, enjoying the serenity, the beautiful outdoors, nature, fresh air, and you look up and see giant ominous black clouds moving at an amazing pace towards you. Typically, under normal situations, anywhere else, you would run for the hills. In golf, however, when those clouds are above, and loud thunder is near, one usually looks at his fellow golfers to see if there is any sign of concern on their faces. As the lightning bolts go zipping by, and the explosions of thunder are deafening, you have a choice to make. Run for cover or do what 99% of golfers do. Take that next swing and defy any chance of getting electrocuted by a bolt of lightning. After all, the choice is obvious: Death or a Par.
WAZE: We all have used some type of navigation system in our cars. I prefer WAZE as my directional support system. Those of you that share my choice, knows that WAZE alerts us to where various stopped cars are, or even where hazards ahead are located. But the best is letting us all know where the cops are. Once the warning is announced, “POLICE AHEAD” we spend the next 3 minutes looking in every crevice on the highway for that cop. In the trees, off the service road, behind a dumpster. “Come on now, I know you are out there somewhere. Waze says you are.” Then you look back at the map to see where he is, but you just can’t find him. Then you spend the next minute hitting the “cop not there” button so that you can alert your fellow driving friends that there is false information being disseminated. Meanwhile, you have not looked at the road in the last 3 minutes because you are so busy trying to find the guy that is looking for you speeding, or looking back and forth at your navigation system. The other common warning we hear is “hazard ahead.” HMmmmm!! Was the hazard that 4 foot pot hole you just ran over, or was it the debris left on the side of the road, or was it that bumper left from the last accident from the guy that was looking for the cop? Too much information can be a dangerous thing!!!!!!
The Walk: The Pandemic has made us all health conscious. To fight the threat of death from this pandemic, we decide to fight the fight by exercising. so we decide to go walking around in our neighborhoods. One would think this would be a romantic thing to do with your loved one, however, for me, I find it disturbing. To start, it is inevitable that while walking, there is always someone that drives by with tinted windows, toots their horn at you, and by the time you look up, you do not know who they are as they zip by. You think and think and finally realize it is your neighbor. Of course, by this time, you ignored their toot, and feel that your neighbor thinks you are an asshole for not reciprocating the tooting with a simple wave. So with this guilt, you jump out into the street, endangering your life and give the biggest wave possible, in the hope that your neighbor is looking in his rear view window, to see you waving at his toot. Chances are he is not and will continue to think you are an ass. Then as I walk through the streets, I spend most of my time looking at peoples’ homes, wondering why my lawn does not look as good as theirs, who is their gardener, and whether or not I should fire mine. Or I take note of who is still down in Florida, as they have 85 newspapers piled up on their driveway, and wonder if they realize that this is an invitation for burglars to rob their houses. Then I spend a lion share of my time, swatting gnats. In my nose, in my mouth, biting my ankles, they seem to be everywhere I am. The faster I walk, the faster they fly. Then of course, I observe the dog walkers. First thing I look for is if they are holding a plastic bag. This will immediate alert me to the fact that if they do not have the bag, then these are the jerks that do not clean up after their dogs. Ultimately, I am the one that steps in it. I immediately hate them. I don’t know them, but I hate them nonetheless. So this is my walk, stressful, sweaty, bug bitten, and basically annoying and that is when I look at my beautiful wife (who by the way is ready to push me into on coming traffic) and say to her “same time tomorrow?” Covid is not going to beat me.
In closing, I am going to add a new segment to this month’s blog. It is called
Millennial Malfunctions: They are short observations and I will post them as I notice them, and believe me, I will notice. Because these are the people that will lead us into the next century. (A very scary thought) They are perfect, never wrong, so it gives me great pleasure to point out their shortcomings, The following are the latest that drive me nuts: ESSENTIALLY: The latest word hitting the airwaves is the word “ESSENTIALLY” I can honestly say that I have never used this word in my life. However, the young millennial has made this word a necessity in “essentially” every sentence they use. For those of you that have not heard this, now that I have brought it to your attention, you will notice it said on every news talk show, or in person with any millennial you speak with. It’s essentially everywhere.
The next “phrase” is the word “DO“. You find this word used “essentially” when they are ordering something. For example, when ordering a coffee, they will go to the counter, of course on their phones, and as the server waits patiently for them to finish their very important conversation to whomever, they turn and say, “I’ll Do a mochiamatta with a splash of heavy cream and light on the froth.” Or “Can I Do the vegan tofu salad with nothing on it and dressing on the side. What exactly are they “doing” with these items? I might be getting old, but when ordering, I usually say something crazy like, “may I have…, Can I order… I would like… or something along those lines. I am not looking to “do” anything with my food other that eating it.
Finally, the craze that has swept the nation.Believed to have originated in none else but oxygen deprived California. This has driven me crazy for about a year now and only a few know what I am talking about. It actually has a name, which I credit one of my readers, John Malone for actually investigating this phenomenon. It is called “UPTALK.” It is extremely difficult to explain to you but it occurs with every sentence ending in a question. It is simply done by having the pitch of your voice go up at the end of a sentence, giving you the impression that the speaker is either unsure what they are saying, or asking you a question. There is no way to describe it, only to hear it. Feel free to go to this site to enjoy someone with severe UPTALK SYNDROME. https://youtu.be/yDZYCagHeqQ
Hope you enjoyed this issue of Fedsfedup and hope all stay healthy and happy through these crazy times.