BUTT BUMP
There’s pandemonium in the streets. Everyone run, grab as much toilet paper as you can and find that safe haven. The pandemic is here, the pandemic is here. The world is coming to an end. Well, my friends, Americans are showing their true colors. Screw everyone, blame anyone, hoard everything and the hell with your fellow man. That’s the old American spirit. But don’t fret, because I have the answer to stop the spread of this vicious virus. It’s called the Butt Bump. Within a moment’s notice, America has been told we all must become germophobes. Don’t touch your face, wash your hands for 30 seconds at a time, stay away from crowds, don’t touch anyone, stay 6 feet away from each other, dont shake anyone’s hand etc. These are the mantras of our governmental leaders. ( And as I write this, I am watching our beloved President making a speech with about 10 other doctors, psychiatrists, chemists, bio terrorists, etc. all speaking from the same microphone. Mind you, as they insist that we follow the list of mantras I listed before, not one of them wiped off the microphone to speak to us. Now statistics show that out of the 10 people that spoke from the same lectern, one of them had to have been in the company of someone that has the virus. (Shouldn’t we shut the government down now?)
Now back to the Butt Bump. In the spirit of following the lead of my fine governmental officials, who mind you have the best health insurance known to mankind, and can and will be tested at a moment’s notice, I too, have come up with an answer for our traditional greeting of the handshake. The handshake has been around for hundreds of years, and has morphed into other types of greetings, like the fist bump, the high five, the salute, chest to chest etc. But the Butt Bump covers all phobias of germ contact. When greeting your companion, simply turn your back to them, instruct them to do the same, bend over, and bump your butts. There is no skin to skin touching, (unless of course you do this at a nudist colony), so there is no fear of spreading germs. You can also alter the type of bump given. If it is someone you really like, you can do a double bump, similar to the English version of the cheek to cheek double kiss, by merely bumping each ass cheek one at a time. If it is someone you really really like, you can do the butt grind. Really no reason to describe this one, as many of you will make up your own version anyway. When in a business environment, a simple one butt would suffice.
At first, people will be reluctant to participate, but given time, I know this is going to be the new normal. So come on everyone, let’s all hold butts and together we will conquer this virus.