THE HIKE

Question: What 4 letter word does a man never want to hear from a women?
Answer: HIKE

Yes the HIKE. Forgive me for sounding sexist, but women view a hike as a form of exercise, to be one with nature, exploration, challenge, and tranquility. Men on the other hand, view it as a form of torture, taking us away from our mundane lives, only to result in a day in the hot sun, aching feet, sweat and injury.

So when you wake up on that beautiful summer morning, and your significant other looks at you and utters the words, “Hike today?” might I suggest the ” I have Covid” excuse, because the results are similar.
After losing that battle, your partner begins her preparation for the great day ahead. This includes the accessories for the excursion, including proper shoe apparel, hiking pants, hiking hats, hiking socks, hiking wisping shirt, a 50 pound back pack filled with various ointments, sprays , snacks, usually salt less nuts, and 17 water bottles and of course Tick spray. Tick spray you say? Where the hell are you taking me? All of these items are in the possession of the little women, and I am furnished with a t shirt and shorts and sneakers.

And off we go… Typically it is usually a 2 hour drive in order to get to this land of milk and honey, at least if you live on Long Island. So by the time you get to the destination, you are exhausted from the traffic that you just navigated through. Upon your arrival, which usually begins in a dusty gravelly parking lot, typically right after you washed your car, everyone gets out and proceeds to do their stretches and begin to suit up. Within minutes, a cloud passes over you. No, it is not a rain cloud. It is a cloud created by the sprays emitted from aerosol cans that ward off poison ivy, ticks, burning sun and other enemies of the land of beauty. Oh and lets not forget to hydrate.

And the journey begins. My buddy and I are told that we are about to embark on a majestic hike of about 5.6 miles. My first question is “is that round trip or one way?” As we begin, I realize that it takes approximately 2 miles to get to the starting point. But apparently that is not included in the calculation. Our journey is underway. I marvel at the beauty that surrounds me, and to my dismay, I also notice poison ivy that also surrounds me. EVERYWHERE. Needless to say, I am deathly allergic to the “if its three, let it be” plant. As we continue our treacherous trek, I find myself tripping over every rock, hole and limb in our path, which demands that I continuously look down the remainder of the hike, so not to fall and roll into the poison ivy, or ticks or snakes. This strain on my posture goes on for miles until I realize that not only have I not been able to enjoy the scenery as I look down to the ground, but the nape of my neck is on fire from the sun beating down on it.

Hours into the journey, my buddy that idiotically joined me on this excursion, is moaning and wining about the pain he is going through. He is incapable of talking and walking at the same time so the distance between our lady friends and us is becoming more and more distant. So as we traipse through the jungle of happiness, we realize that the ladies have the water and snacks, and we no longer can see them. Panic we do not, as I have the keys to the car. Not even Uber would come out here to get them. They too must have deduced they have no mode of transportation home, so they decide to slow up, acting as if they were concerned of our safety. We catch up at the “scenic overview” where we are permitted to feast on dry nuts and berries with a peanut butter cracker chaser. A gallon of hydration could not wash that down my throat. Hydration, Protein, Hydration, Protein is the new mantra. Pictures for the memories are taken, of which I will never see and off we go again. Time elapsing, we finally achieve our quest. The majestic mountains of Long Island. Wait a minute, isn’t long Island flat? Here we are, looking out at the beauty, taking it all in, fresh air filling my lung, a slight breeze flowing through whatever hair I have left, and then I hear the words, “Ok Let’s go.” “We just got here” my partner and I bellow out but to no avail. Chop Chop!!! We have no time as we need to catch a ferry back.

As we return to the trail, dragging one foot after another, being eaten alive from every bug known to mankind, we realize that we are still climbing higher. I am not sure why we would be climbing higher upon our return, as we should be going down, but at that point I was too tired to ask. Half way back, the carrot is dangled, when one of our feline friends teases us with the fact that when we get back we can get a cold beer and lunch. With that, my buddy and I were revitalized and immediately pick up the pace. “I think we are near the finish line” was the shout from ahead. The news is getting better by the minute. At last, we see from the distance, what looks like a mirage to me, or is it really the parking lot. We made it. But not yet. Before we enter the car, we have what is known as the “Tick Check. ” This is the moment when we stare at eachother’s bodies looking for a bug that is the size of a pin head. What are the chances of finding a minute black pin head on a man that has black hair all over his body. Good chance you are going to miss one. All clean and satisfied, off we go for that delicious cold beer. All are safe and sound……..
Until the morning………… when I look down at my hip and see my new friend attached to me.

Mr. Tick. Must have missed one.

Joann……………..HELP!!!!!!!!!!