Track Etiquette
I know many of my followers are in fine athletic shape and will be able to relate to this next segment of Fedsfedup. It pertains to proper Track Etiquette. Like you all, I too enjoy the outside exercise regimen. In order to keep my cardio at its peak performance, I choose to use my local school track. Lately I find myself getting lost in the neighborhood, (could be early onset Alzheimer’s or just bad with directions) none the less I find that by walking in circles makes it easy for me to find where I began my journey from. But even as peaceful as this activity sounds, I find it to be extremely stressful and find myself getting annoyed at my fellow exercisers.
The track attracts many types of people. First we have what I like to call “The Clammers.” These are the track stars that enjoy running past you, as you walk, and while doing so, they find it necessary to spew mucous balls on to the hard rubber flooring. This surface, yet spongey by the touch, Is far from porous, so the Luger that was just clammed out, remains on top of the track for all to see and step in. A very considerate gesture, wouldn’t you say?
Then we have the “Overdressed” athlete. In short, these people come down to exercise wearing dress slacks and shoes and usually a button down shirt while on their phones. These are the men. For the women, typically they have their finest velour matching running suits with their finest whitest sneaker and usually accented with some type of gold jewelry. My guess is that this is the warmup for the dance lessons they are going to next.
Then we have to deal with what I like to call the “Salmon Walker” These are the people that insist on walking in reverse against the natural flow pattern of every other normal human being at the track. Unlike salmon, who swim against the tide to lay their eggs, these people are usually older and very unlikely still fertile. Other than enjoying bumping into those that choose to walk clockwise, I have yet to figure out the attraction to walking counter to the norm. Perhaps they like eye contact with their fellow exercisers.
Finally the thing that irks me the most are the “Road Hogs.” These are the people that find it necessary to walk 3-4 people across, taking up the first 4 lanes of a 6 lane track. You can spot them a mile away, as they usually are the walkers that move at a snail’s pace. Now, I am not a speed walker but I do like to walk at around a 12 minute mile. These people clock in at around 24 minutes per lap. These selfish individuals force serious runners and walkers alike, to have to cram into lanes 5 and 6, while stumbling and cutting off each other to avoid hitting into these inconsiderate health seekers. While you pass them, you hear such titillating conversations such as the latest news of the PTA, who is having an affair with who in the neighborhood, (which admittedly, I seem to slow up for), or who just got the newest Mercedes. Sometimes you might even hear of the new hottest Botox doctor in town. Proper track etiquette and common sense clearly suggests that the slower walkers move to the outside so that the more serious exercisers go about their activities uninterrupted. Treadmills are starting to look better and better. At least I can’t get lost.