ZOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!

One can never run out of material as we tip toe through the Pandemic, Virus, Covid 19, Chinese flu, etc. so on and so forth. There are a couple of things that have really become bothersome for me, and probably you as well. As much as I promised to stay away from politics, and I do not believe this goes under the umbrella of politics, but just decisions made by our political leaders, I find it necessary to point out the stupidity of our leaders in NY. At the peak of the virus, our ingenious governor decided to release prisoners from our jails. Some released were guilty of misdemeanors, but many were people that committed felonies. Instead of being concerned about the supposed health and welfare of the innocent citizens of New York, our leaders released hardened criminals into our streets for fear that the felons might catch the virus on the inside. As I write this, they have just released Senator Dean Skelos, who has served 2 years of a 5 year sentence for 8 counts of corruption because he might have pre diabetes. In the same week, Mayor Wilhelm De Blasio, also known as Bill, threatened a group of orthodox Jews for mourning the death of a Rabbi, by imprisonment if they defy his order of large gatherings. (similar to Adolf Hitler) In the same week, he supplied thousands of free meals to the Muslim community because it was Ramadan-a ding-dong. As the Muslims pray together in mass, the Mayor felt it necessary to make sure they had proper nourishment. Am I missing something here?

Enough of politics- Because there are some positives to this virus. We have figured out a way of staying together through the use of ZOOOOOOOOOOM. Is it a verb, a noun, an adjective, who knows, but what I do know is it has become a household name uniting friends and families all over the world. What it also managed to do is to quadruple business for plastic surgeons, dermatologists, and beauticians. Why you ask? Have you experienced a zoom session? It is a mirror on steroids. You cannot help but stare at yourself on your iPad, and at this point, what you see can be quite disturbing. Those of us, (not me), who use plastic surgeons for various tucks, pulls, tightening’s, smoothing’s, etc. have realized that these procedures are B.S. They do not last, so if you do not keep up with the maintenance, which most can’t due to the inability to leave our homes, the results are quite humorous. Differing lip sizes, half faces with wrinkles and the other half smooth as silk, turkey necks with more wrinkles than a shirt you slept in, and let’s not forget the forehead accordion wrinkle. Can’t hide those peaks and valleys from Zoom.

And it doesn’t stop there. Men have other issues. Without the ability to get haircuts, we decide to go the other way. Facial hair everywhere. Some are looking like gorillas. The only problem is no matter how much hair you have on your face, Zoom seems to zoom in on your hairline, as it seems to recede right before your very eyes. Doesn’t matter how much you have on your face, you can’t grow it up on top. It’s just not fair. No hat can cover those bald spots. The only good thing is that Zoom Is unable to see behind your head.

But have no fear, because the more experienced Zoomers know the secret. They are the ones that sit in their den, and prop their IPad about 35 feet away, so they look like 2 tiny guppies in an ocean, usually being cool, sipping a cocktail. Because they are so far away, they are usually the ones that start the screaming so they can be heard from a distance.

Aside from the physical flaws Zoom points out about us, it’s always interesting watching a Zoom session begin. No one wants to be the first to appear on the zoom session. God help us if you are first and have to concede the fact to the others that you were actually excited about speaking to another human being or admitting that you really had absolutely nothing else to do since you watched every episode of Jersey Housewives already. As others start jumping on to the session, we all start screaming in a high pitch voice, expressing our excitement in seeing each other. Then there is always a few who are technically challenged, and you begin to hear the questions: “Can you see me”? “I can’t see you, how do I see everyone”? “What button do I push to see everyone”? “Does anyone hear me”? “I can’t see me, Should I be able to see me”? “And you”. “Harry is that you”? Finally, after excellent guidance from the Zoom Master, we hear, “OH, there’s everyone!!!!!” Then there comes the moment when everyone talks at once and no one can hear anyone as everyone is screaming at the top of their lungs. This goes on for 10 minutes until everyone has a sore throat, in which time we all think we have the virus. Then some brave soul decides that they have had enough and declares that they have to go. As if they have something else to do. This immediately puts a damper on the session and the seven conversations that are going on at once come to a screeching halt. One by one, people start dropping off, for fear that they do not want to be the last one on the call and find that they are talking to themselves. Everyone says how much fun this was and we should do this the following week, but we all know that it will be months before we speak in masse again. The final thing that is heard is “how do you shut this f#$%^%$ thing off.”

Stay tuned for the next episode entitled “the Mask…”